Hey

Toilet

A cigarette, music, and a toilet. 

I look at the smoke out from mouth and wonders. 

What do I really want? 

Got a job, failed degree, failed relationships, failed my parents, and failed almost everything. 

Not good at singing, writing, talking, dancing, and most of everything.

Good at cheering others? Nope, not at all. 

Hate celebration of anything, especially birthday. 

Looking at the happy faces and complains.

Wonders even if we complain, who the fuck cares?

The pain, the weather, the results, the job, the relationship, the problem.

Fuck the problem.

Who the fuck gives a shit even if I talk about taking my life away?

Last puff says it all, flush the bud and fuck it.

Pride

Sometimes I do not want to boast.

Sometimes I do not want to make things obvious.

But some will forget that I made the move.

 But some will not take note that I made the shift.

Do not forget that what made you decided to change is through me.

Do not forget that when you fall I was the one to look up for you.

Repaying me with isolation will make me remember your debts.

Remember your past but the process of healing made you isolate my helping hands.

People call this pride overwhelmed me.

People hate me because I have pride.

When you hate a person aren’t you not pride?

When start judging me aren’t you not pride?

Who set the standards that is at fault?

Who has the authority to say who is at fault?

Registration Book

I decided to bring back home with the registration report that’s been kept in the office for 10 years. Suppose to make it in a softcopy. I was in between of my collogues where one disagree bringing work back home because it is unhealthy while one thinks that I’m still young and I should go for it. In the end I go for it.

I spent approximately 5 hours to complete the 10 years registration report. In the process, I saw some left without any valid reason, some got terminated due to the parents didn’t come with the children, and some very sad reasons.

I was shocked when I key in the data, one of the child did not attend the centre anymore, because the child passed away. I was overwhelmed at that time, couldn’t believe if I’m in this situation teaching the children, and one will never come anymore, because has passed away.

A lot of the children did not register themselves in the social welfare. Most probably because our country did not provide any privileges to the special needs, unlike western countries like USA, which gives a lot of privileges to them who registered in the social welfare.

Letter to uncle

Dear uncle,

How are you man? I hope you’re good wherever you are man. Kind of miss you actually. Since you left I always thought it’s just another day to say goodbye to someone I’m not very close to and it will be a another normal day.

Now sleeping the place where you used to, always makes me wonder what you do back then and how you feel each day. I still remember back then you would talk dirty jokes with me and brightens my day back then. The times where you come in to my parents room and blast the new sound system my dad bought back then with those underground foul language songs from Hong Kong. I was freaked out and you convinced me that grandmother would not understand what the song is about. Always makes me think I’m that naïve.

Your cigarette smell every time you came back from wherever you went with your bike always makes me wanted to ride a bike. Sadly, my mom always thinks you’re the reason why I shouldn’t be riding a bike. The scars and complication you been through always makes me wonder how the hell you get through each day.

Family disapprove you and only few friends who deals with underground business must be hard for you even to come back to a normal life with a decent wife. Even I disapproved you back then and neglected you.

Been 5 years since you passed away and it hurts me why I didn’t spend valuable time with you and gives you a reason to be accepted in this cruel world. Each puff I took, remembers you and how I should accept people who are being like you. I’m trying very hard to accept them but it always that hard to stop discriminate and stereotyping.

Now I’m trying hard to take care of grandmother. I know she always favor you and protects whatever things you used to do back then. She’s old now and not as mobile as she used to back then. I know she is not as happy as back then. Each New Year I can see she must have been heartache to see only the daughters would celebrate with her.

I’m sorry. I wasted the times when you are still around.

20.03.2011

It’s been awhile I blogged. First foremost, perhaps many did not know what happened to me after the last year final exam. After the finals in 2010, I took up a job and was very excited about it. They even provide me a fair good salary that I would expect. Everything was so perfect and I was so looking forward for it after the 2 weeks church camp. However, things didn’t turned out what I was expected. In the second week of the camp, I got the news that I failed one of the subjects. It is normal to be sad and starts to get frustrated but somehow, I didn’t, as if I expected to fail this subject.

I took my chance and went for the appeal without letting my company to know my situation. I did not dare to sign the agreement letter yet fearing that my appeal will fail. Hope was there, but deep in me, I know I will not get the expected result. The company called and I told the truth. Disappointed was filled in the company, but they needed a staff. So my boss asked me if I really need the job. Of course I will say yes. But the response is too ideal and I don’t know if I’m able to cope repeating the paper while working.

So here I am now worked more than a month while repeating a paper. The company was generous enough to give me leave to travel up to campus and have a director study every once a week. The thing I am lack of is the understanding from the family and what I don’t need are questions about why I’m not graduating and why I failed. Isn’t obvious why would a person fail and asking silly question why again? My family was the ones that keep boasting that I’ll be graduating soon before knowing the result and now I don’t know how to respond to the friends and family how is my convocation. Now with all the wishes and all, in the process of settling down, the pressure just keeps coming.

The silent treatment and ignoring the problem seems to be one culture being held in my family. I guess I’m too used to it and now knowing that what I really need was guidance. Luckily, my boss is a very experienced man and able to help me think and sort problems independently. Without him, I don’t think I will look at things critically and stop dragging things to the last minute to avoid problem.

The starting salary was about 2k, now I’m earning 1.4k per month. Driving up and down from home to work took minimum 30 minutes, while if caught in jam, I will take more than an hour. Pay toll RM3.20 go and back. Petrol at least RM50 every 3 working days, I barely survive with my salary, now hoping to get a house or a room to stay near my work place to save petrol and time.

Working as a teacher, a lot may look at me with one kind thinking as if it’s a useless job and no way to develop. For me, I don’t take money as important to buy what I want. I just want to survive and get things over with my study loan. I will extend my study probably in 5 years time of working. The world is dying and buying nice house, nice car, and whatever will not help. I rather do something that is meaningful to help the parents who feeling guilty giving birth with the child who has learning disabilities. Even if I die, I will die in pride that some of the parents and children are able to cope with this realistic world.