Threshold

Threshold, I have been hearing this word quite often and I don't think I should take this word lightly.
And so I have this word pasted into my standard!

Increase my level of threshold comprehending more upcoming task in work.
Increase my level of threshold working with different people in work and church.
Increase my level of threshold coping with ups and downs in relationships.
Increase my level of threshold emotionally when absorbing more new things around work and church.
Increase my level of threshold in numbers of food I take in so that I can be fatter LOL

Sour night

It’s funny how I make my life so interesting, yet tiring. How many have I hurt? I can’t remember the wounds I cut. Actually, there’s too many. And all are equally deep. Some admires me how did I manage to get the numbers. To be honest, I’m not proud at all. In fact I’m tired of this why can’t I just settle down?

Why can’t I just be some guy over there who thirst for hug? Where I am abusing it? In the time the time I spent with all these so called interesting life is nothing. I am to be forgotten in others, as it is what I should be treated. I’m a murder and a thief.

How many hearts I have pierced and how many have I stolen? I lost count. As I am not a good person, at all. 

Men's fetish

A lot typical men have fetish over collections. 

Some like guns. 

Some like animal heads. 

Some like women underwears. 

Me? I’m currently collecting ciggarete box and knives. But I’m still unto cigarrete box then I’ll aim knives.

Been few months and estimated I took about 220 sticks each different types and brands of smokes. Some repetitive due to friends belanja or I forgotten I already have bought one.

From left Benson & Hedges, Dunhill, Peter Stuyvesant, Pall Mall (Red), Pall Mall (Light from Malaysia), Pall Mall (Light from Hong Kong), Winston, Malboro (Red), Malboro (Menthol), Kent (Repeated)

Heartbeats faster than usual.

Been numbers of people told me that my heartbeats very fast. It's not that I am nervous or anything, but I guess I'm born this way.

Probably my unhealthy lifestyle that contributes such problem. Is it a problem? I don't know, perhaps about 10 years from now I can see the result of eating a lot of fast food, soft drinks, and smoke.

Told myself I'll quit smoking until I collected all the types of cigarettes box but I doubted so. Been warned not to smoke a lot of times but I just can't help it. Perhaps this is the attention I could get from others, to smoke so that people would notice me? I don't know. But I really believe most smokers are influenced because of the fact that they wanted attention, then smoke, then they fucked their life so bad that they ended up something that makes them feel a little bit 'higher' which is drug.

15 years ago today I told myself I will not smoke because of drinking remains of the cigarette from a can of coke while my dad was still a smoker. Then again, trying to be nice and share half of the cigarette box to reduce others burden caused me to be one of the smokers. I don't hate myself from doing it. Just the fact that my parents are so devoted with church that makes me so guilty if I even think about smoking. Sigh.

I'm trying! Just gimme another puff and let me think about it. LOL

2YS

Just a blink and now it’s been almost 2 years I’m single. 2 years single aka 2YS. Wait, that’s going to be 3 years soon but oh well, I lost count.

Work is not that bad, just the matter of how to handle myself facing different people from different background. Fortunately for me, I’m not too bad on adjusting myself on others’ expectations. Perhaps the problem is I’ve been adjusting myself too much that soon I’m losing myself.

A lot asked me ‘where’s your friends?’, ‘you seem like a person with a lot of friends’, ‘go find your friends!’. Yea but too bad I’m not kin to mix with people around for too long. Sigh. Is it my problem? I dunno. Waiting for the answer to come while doing my best in work, eat and sleep.

Food Maraton

On the Friday (1st April 2011), I've decided to ask my parents to try out durian dinner at SS2 since we have been eating the same dishes almost everyday and running out of idea what's next。

 I thought I can handle it...

 I guess I had my limit... D:

 Mom the poser

 Dad just can't get enough. lol

 Apparently we both wear the same shirt color! Only the SIZE is the big difference...

RM15.00 per head regardless of how much you eat including a sky juice. Best come at 6pm or they will end the buffet like McD ending the McValue lunch D:

Then on the Saturday (2nd April 2011), we go ahead eating something that I've been wanting my friends to go for. SPICY buffet "麻辣火渦" at Bandar Putri Puchong which offers you three different levels from easy to crazy.

Obviously, we went for the crazy level. The level 3!

 Look at the red hot spicy pot... O.O

 

Just one scoop you can actually see how many chillies they put inside!! ><

 

The most important of all is the MEAT

Mom is starting to give up cuz the HOTNESS

Sizzling...

 

No way I will give up eating scallops!

 

The price? For three person, not very worth it. D:

Then lastly, which is today. We went McD and I tried out the new dish. DOUBLED SIZED BURGERS!!

 Actually the size really DOES MATTERS!

But when you look at it, whats the difference?! D:

Hey

Toilet

A cigarette, music, and a toilet. 

I look at the smoke out from mouth and wonders. 

What do I really want? 

Got a job, failed degree, failed relationships, failed my parents, and failed almost everything. 

Not good at singing, writing, talking, dancing, and most of everything.

Good at cheering others? Nope, not at all. 

Hate celebration of anything, especially birthday. 

Looking at the happy faces and complains.

Wonders even if we complain, who the fuck cares?

The pain, the weather, the results, the job, the relationship, the problem.

Fuck the problem.

Who the fuck gives a shit even if I talk about taking my life away?

Last puff says it all, flush the bud and fuck it.

Pride

Sometimes I do not want to boast.

Sometimes I do not want to make things obvious.

But some will forget that I made the move.

 But some will not take note that I made the shift.

Do not forget that what made you decided to change is through me.

Do not forget that when you fall I was the one to look up for you.

Repaying me with isolation will make me remember your debts.

Remember your past but the process of healing made you isolate my helping hands.

People call this pride overwhelmed me.

People hate me because I have pride.

When you hate a person aren’t you not pride?

When start judging me aren’t you not pride?

Who set the standards that is at fault?

Who has the authority to say who is at fault?

Registration Book

I decided to bring back home with the registration report that’s been kept in the office for 10 years. Suppose to make it in a softcopy. I was in between of my collogues where one disagree bringing work back home because it is unhealthy while one thinks that I’m still young and I should go for it. In the end I go for it.

I spent approximately 5 hours to complete the 10 years registration report. In the process, I saw some left without any valid reason, some got terminated due to the parents didn’t come with the children, and some very sad reasons.

I was shocked when I key in the data, one of the child did not attend the centre anymore, because the child passed away. I was overwhelmed at that time, couldn’t believe if I’m in this situation teaching the children, and one will never come anymore, because has passed away.

A lot of the children did not register themselves in the social welfare. Most probably because our country did not provide any privileges to the special needs, unlike western countries like USA, which gives a lot of privileges to them who registered in the social welfare.

Letter to uncle

Dear uncle,

How are you man? I hope you’re good wherever you are man. Kind of miss you actually. Since you left I always thought it’s just another day to say goodbye to someone I’m not very close to and it will be a another normal day.

Now sleeping the place where you used to, always makes me wonder what you do back then and how you feel each day. I still remember back then you would talk dirty jokes with me and brightens my day back then. The times where you come in to my parents room and blast the new sound system my dad bought back then with those underground foul language songs from Hong Kong. I was freaked out and you convinced me that grandmother would not understand what the song is about. Always makes me think I’m that naïve.

Your cigarette smell every time you came back from wherever you went with your bike always makes me wanted to ride a bike. Sadly, my mom always thinks you’re the reason why I shouldn’t be riding a bike. The scars and complication you been through always makes me wonder how the hell you get through each day.

Family disapprove you and only few friends who deals with underground business must be hard for you even to come back to a normal life with a decent wife. Even I disapproved you back then and neglected you.

Been 5 years since you passed away and it hurts me why I didn’t spend valuable time with you and gives you a reason to be accepted in this cruel world. Each puff I took, remembers you and how I should accept people who are being like you. I’m trying very hard to accept them but it always that hard to stop discriminate and stereotyping.

Now I’m trying hard to take care of grandmother. I know she always favor you and protects whatever things you used to do back then. She’s old now and not as mobile as she used to back then. I know she is not as happy as back then. Each New Year I can see she must have been heartache to see only the daughters would celebrate with her.

I’m sorry. I wasted the times when you are still around.